Humor

  • twin humor by pamela alma weymouth Driving While Parenting Twins (4/15/2017)

    It strikes me as odd that the federal government has yet to cite the dangers of driving-while-parenting—parenting twins in particular. Common sense, highway accident rates, and brain science have examined the lethalities of drinking and driving, texting while driving, and mobile phone use while driving—but somehow, the ever-more-dangerous hazards of driving while parenting somehow remains an unexamined lethal and psychological risk.

    I, for one, can attest to the multiple times our car has evaded a full on collision due to the various complaints of my twins, starting in babyhood and escalating each year as their arm spans grew longer, their legs became longer, their tongues expanded their vocabularies, and their lung power increased.

    Not only have we very nearly murdered old women, taken the rails off of bridges or narrowly missed flying off cliffs, but I’ve suffered blood pressure elevation, early deafness, toxic car conditions, loss of verbal control, and post-traumatic-tantrum-disorder as a result of the multiple near-death experiences I’ve been subjected to while trapped in our small moving prison cell going at 70-something miles an hour.

    It’s extraordinary the number of times I’ve avoided a head-on collision while hurtling along freeways attempting to soothe crying infants, toddlers, and now tweens. It all began with the body twisting act of trying to stick fingers (instead of pacifiers) into the wailing mouths of newborns from the nether reaches of the front seat to the rear-facing baby seats, purposefully molded to make access impossible to all except a circus contortionist.

    I’ve done puppet shows with one hand across the dashboard. I’ve worked through my entire repertoire of musical numbers from Oklahoma to Hair, told award-winning stories educational and funny enough to win literary prizes. If only they offered such prizes to writer-mothers trapped in cars with nothing more than a sea of traffic, screaming children, and their wits! The prizes I might have won!

    Read The Full Story on Multiples Illuminated

  • Do Twins Run In The Family? (1/13/2016)

    First Published @HuffingtonPost

    Sometimes you just want to stand in line at the grocery store and not have to explain your vaginal history to a total stranger. I’d hazard to say that at least seven times a week for my thirty-five week pregnancy (that’s 245 times),  distant acquaintances, well-intentioned friends, and strangers on streets, in cafes, at knitting stores were brazen enough to ask, “Do twins run in the family?”

    This would come after an aghast look at my belly, which was big enough to look as if I’d swallowed a submarine and or a small whale. The question continued has haunted me through double-decker stroller walks, preschool double playdates, and even today at skate parks and baseball games, with my now seven year old twin boys.

    While I imagine this question is intended as a pleasant conversation starter–what people don’t realize is that the answer for many of us is complicated, fraught with pain or shame, and not as innocuous as commenting on say, the state of the weather, or the state of the Union.

    Can you imagine asking someone with singletons, Did you have sex seven hundred times or did you do it doggie style and hit the jackpot on the first try?” Then, just like a frat boy at a football game you’d high-five her and say, “Babe! Way to go!”

    If you were more educated you might ask, “Did you adopt from an orphanage in Russia or implant eggs from a curly-haired surrogate with a PHD from Yale and a basketball scholarship?”

    You could show off the vastness of your fertility-treatment-knowledge by asking, “Did your partner masturbate into a test tube in the broom closet of the fertility clinic? I heard the porn was really good.” These days, the possibilities are endless.

    I can only imagine what gay parents of African-American children must endure. Or suburban blonde parents of adopted Asian children. Or lesbian moms who have to endure the question, “Who carried the babies?” followed by, “So she’s the real mom and you’re the dad?”

    Full disclosure: I’m sharing commentary from the liberal bastion of San Francisco. Can you imagine what they say in Texas?

    It’s not that I don’t empathize with the natural curiosity of strangers. Twins are adorable (from a distance), triplets are adorable (and triply exhausting), and quadruplets <em>and more</em> are the stuff of reality TV–people like to watch from a safe distance.

    I understand that these interviewers are simply curious dolts, who either don’t have children themselves, or they are so wildly fertile that it would never occur to them that anyone else might not be, or they are wanna-be parents doing research. Innocents who believe the mythology that their lives will only be complete if they too procreate and bring more howling, whining, giggling, sniffling, delightful and maddening little creatures into the world.

    Still, I’m contemplating have a t-shirt made that reads: <blockquote>What happened? I got fucked! </blockquote>

    I’m considering trying out the truth. It should work as a natural conversation ender. It would go something like this,<blockquote> I tried for over 2 years until the tennis-playing fertility specialist told me that I had Endometriosis, a kind of internal menstrual bleeding that leads to abnormal growth of cells outside the uterus, which blocks the sperm from weaving it’s way through the Fallopian tube, and into the egg. I’ve spent 7 days a month since I was fourteen <em>I’m now one hundred and two</em> wracked by death defying menstrual pain–a condition that went undiagnosed by my perfectly-coiffed Manhattan OB who spent more time talking to me about my socialite mother’s latest achievements while my feet were stirruped in fuzzy bear-patterned potholders. One time, Dr. Bloomenthal even said that we looked so much alike–although I believe he was talking about our faces. </blockquote>

    My fertility specialist, on the other hand, told me that my eggs were old, my chances of conceiving were next to zero, but that for a mere 25 grand he could increase my chances to 40% and that if I had tried to get pregnant when I was only twenty-five and a total emotional basket-case, I’d have had at least a 50 to 60% chance, so basically, it was my fault for waiting so damned long, while I tried to find myself and tried to find the right-enough man.

    Despite the shitty odds and my genetically fucked gene pool, I threw down my inheritance and allowed my ambivalent-about-parenthood stilt-walker husband jab me in the ass 87 times with a needle full of hormones that left welts, bruises, and varicose veins across my ass and thighs. It was like getting shot up in a drive by, every day, on purpose.

    What was it you asked? “Do twins run in the family?”

    No, actually they don’t -but Manic Depression does- and on both sides of the family. Have a nice day!

    Read More Excerpts from Twinland at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pamela-alma-weymouth/


“A woman artist,” Hepworth argued, “is not deprived by cooking and having children, nor by nursing children with measles (even in triplicate) – one is in fact nourished by this rich life, provided one always does some work each day; even a single half hour, so that the images grow in one’s mind.”

Read more at:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pamela-alma-weymouth/